Tween Dad Club – A Work in Progress
I have two tween girls. I’m not sure what scares me more, how active and opinionated they are now or what this all means for me in their soon-to-be actual teen years. 
The truth is, our girls are changing, becoming more independent and developing their own sense of style. As much as it sometimes pains me, this is a good thing and a 100% natural process. But it can be hard to see your little tom boy or girl in pig tails start to spend more time on what she wears and how she looks than she does with you.
It’s hard to let go, but we have to if we want them to grow and become strong individuals who don’t live at home after college and expect me to keep paying their cell phone bill. The challenge is determining where the line is drawn and how do we know if we’re crossing it? The truth is, it’s different for every family and for every child. It’s true for the activities they participate in, the clothes they wear, the friends they have and the technology they get to use.
So my intent with this blog is to provide some tips and tricks to help you survive and your daughters thrive during their tweens. I don’t claim to be an expert and certainly don’t have any advanced psychology degree, but what I do have is two tween girls at home (and a tween boy) that are active, adorable, irritating, smart, stubborn, frustrating and resilient…which is to say, they are chips off the old block. Without further fanfare, here’s the top five things I’ve learned so far:
1. Set Clear Boundaries and don’t move them – Your tweens will push you as they work to develop their own sense of self and style. If you don’t think they should wear underwear from Victoria Secret or sweat pants with “juicy” across the bottom, then don’t let them. There is no pouting, cajoling or crying that will move me to change my mind on this. But that’s my view and it works in our family. I’m not saying you should pick this fight (cause it will be a fight at some point), but you have to set boundaries and stick to them you have to stand for something so they start to understand the limits of what they should, could and should not do.
2. Establish Real Consequences and enforce them – we have a rule in our house, if you tell a lie, you have to run a mile. I’m not talking about big lies, but little lies like I brushed my teeth or finished my homework. Kids will lie, it’s part of the process of testing limits, but they need to understand there are repercussions.
3. Celebrate Their Individuality even when it distances them from you – it’s important to remember that while there are thousands of things you share with your tween daughter, there are thousands more that you just won’t understand as she develops her own sense of style and self. My youngest tween used to be the more adventurous of the two in terms of fashion, going to school with feathers in her hair and picking her own clothes from an early age. In the meantime, my older tween has become a kind of fashion icon with her friends, recognizing trends way before others in her group and helping set trends among her peers. This is nothing I can share with them as I have absolutely no fashion sense and no real interest in developing one. That being said, I recognize that because this isn’t an area of interest we share, it’s a good opportunity to show them how you need to support others even when interests differ.
4. Nurture Their Sense of Self even when their interests differ from yours – While I love it when my girls want to watch a Redskins game with me and I love when they wear their jerseys to school, nothing makes me prouder than when they try new things and excel in areas where I have no talent. What makes it hard is that when they start to thrive in areas where I have no expertise, there is no opportunity for me to add value or counsel them. It’s important to remember what you know and what you don’t know as I’ve seen tons of parents on the sidelines of games shouting about calls or plays and all they do is embarrass their kids and show what they don’t actually know.
5. Don’t Let Them Become Mean Girls by making sure they understand alternatives – As your daughter starts to develop her sense of self and style, she will take risks even her friends won’t understand. These risks should be celebrated and you’ll need to arm your daughter with how to respond to criticism from other girls that might use harsh words or actions to jockey for a higher position in social settings. Unfortunately, this is a fact of life but you can and should help your girls understand what is an appropriate way to respond both in person and online, as well as how they can encourage their friends if they are ever feeling down.
And while the years that the girls grow and start to mature are challenging, they are some of the best years you’ll have with your girls while they are still kids. I wouldn’t trade mine for anything despite what I might say when the bus is about to arrive and my girls don’t have shoes on or teeth brushed.
Truth is, they are a work in progress and so am I.
Rich Williams is a tech PR guy, serial entrepreneur, and Dad to three kids, two of which happen to be tween girls. He spends his days navigating tech topics with clients and driving kids to guitar, soccer, swim, tae kwon do, tumbling, drums, etc. He is often very, very tired.
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