The 5 Five Things You Don’t Know Your Daughter is Telling Herself

- By Debra Gano, Publisher & Founding Editor of BYOU Magazine

It can often feel like the entire world is moving 100 miles per hour (or faster via the internet), and finding time to really connect with our daughters can be challenging. Schedules for moms and tweens are packed with jobs, school, homework, household management, every extracurricular activity under the sun, and the multitude of things we manage day to day. I can relate; as a single mom of an 11-year-old girl running a national self-esteem publication for girls, my schedule is jam-packed. It’s no wonder I don’t forget to breathe sometimes! But regardless of how much is on my plate, taking time for a heart-to-heart chat with my daughter when she needs it always immediately moves to the top of the priority list.

One of the true pleasures of my job is facilitating mother/daughter workshops. An exercise we do is to create a safe environment where girls reveal their true inner feelings to their moms, disclosing the harsh critical thoughts they have about themselves. Time and time again, mothers are shocked to realize that their seemingly confident little girl has been verbally beating herself up on a daily basis. Let’s face it; we all know it’s a brutal world out there for girls today. Unrealistic standards of beauty, unhealthy media messages, and cruel judgmental peers are eroding the very essence of our daughters—yet it’s not right in front of our eyes. Generally it happens silently in the dark crevices of their hearts and minds with their own critical self-talk.

As I’ve witnessed in our workshops, there is a huge sense of relief both from girls and moms when these voices are exposed for the false truths they are. The transition from childhood to adulthood is confusing for girls, and without support, girls dim their own “Heartlight” (as I like to call it), losing the sparkle that makes them shine who they truly are. By understanding what’s going on in their heads, we can help them navigate this vulnerable tween age, steering them away from self-depreciating negativity into a stronger and more encouraging sense of self-worth.

Here are five negative statements many girls consistently tell themselves (that parents may not be aware of) and how to assure their words are more positive:

1. I’m ugly - This comes in many variations of self-deprecation from I’m fat, I hate my hair, I’m too skinny, and so on. Unfortunately with the amount of media our girls are exposed to in today’s modern world, it’s impossible to shelter them from the unrealistic standards of beauty or the over-sexualization of women. Our daughters are being programmed that they must look “hot,” even as young as 5 or 6. Our job is to remind them that images are often altered and nobody is “perfect.” Spend time with her at a busy airport noticing how different real people are, pointing out things that make each one beautiful in their own way. Then encourage her to focus on things about herself that make her uniquely beautiful.

2. I’m not good enough - This includes all areas of skill: I can’t play sports, I can’t draw, I can’t sing, etc. In a world of extracurricular mania, girls feel they have to “do it all”—but not just do it, but do it well. Our girls are conditioned to not just compete with themselves, but with the best in every area, often on a worldwide scale. It’s tough to compete at that level for anyone, let alone a developing young girl. Healthy self-esteem is created not only in success, but in realizing that failure is a part of the experience and then moving forward by acknowledging even the slightest gain. Encourage her to focus on what she does well, and remind her it’s okay to try new things just for the fun of it, without having to be the best. And take a look at how hard you’re pushing your daughter—is it your insecurity that wants her to be the best?

3. I’m dumb – This is the one that surprised me when my daughter opened up at a workshop and admitted she tells herself this daily. And it surprisingly shows up a lot with other girls as well, not because they are not smart or capable, but because of a subject or two they are weak in and thus generalize and categorize themselves as “dumb.” My daughter excels in the creative subjects, yet classes like math are challenging for her, and her tween brain wants to ruminate on the fact that other kids do it better than her. I remind her that we all have areas that come easy for us, as well as things that don’t which require a bit of extra effort. Redirecting her to acknowledge her strengths gives her the confidence to tackle the more challenging areas – even math.

4. What my mom says about me isn’t true - A girl will often dismiss a compliment because “your mom is supposed to say that” (this also includes dads, grandmas, siblings, and BFFs). Reality shows and sitcoms teach us to rely on sarcasm for comedy, challenging a girl to wonder if what is being said is true or not. Make your comments to your daughter authentic and meaningful by not always just pointing out the obvious, but noticing little things to reinforce her confidence and to let her know you truly are sincere. When we’re rushed or tired, it’s tempting to mumble an obligatory “that’s nice,” but kids are smart. And trust me, she’s also noticing your self-deprecating comments…how can she believe you when you tell her she isn’t fat when she hears you tell yourself that all the time?

5. Nobody likes me/I can’t make friends - This one is usually the most surprising to moms because we see our daughters in a safe environment (like our homes) with siblings or a BFF and she seems so carefree and self-assured. The girl we don’t see is the uncomfortable one in environments where she does not rule the roost or have us standing a comfortable distance away. This is where girls develop the self-doubting talk that they are not cool enough, popular enough, or whatever enough to be what she thinks peers or society expects her to be, using absolutes like “everyone hates me.” Remind her of the many people that do like/love her and that it’s impossible to be liked by everyone—and that she should never change who she is just to be liked. By building her self-esteem and belief in herself, she’ll come to realize it’s better to have a few good friends who like her for who she is rather than have a lot of people who like her for who she’s not.

Just like it can be hard for us to admit that we are not quite as “together” as we appear, our girls are competing in a significantly larger and more exposed arena than we did growing up and will often go to great lengths to hide who they truly are. It’s up to us to provide them the safety and security so they open up and admit they have self-doubting thoughts and then work with them to dispel their self-created demons. I encourage you to seek resources and support groups, both for yourself and your daughter, that help build self-esteem and offer positive messages. While we cannot stop the unhealthy media girls are subjected to everyday, we can offer them healthy options that reinforce their belief in themselves and inspire them to just “be you!”

Debra Gano is the publisher & founding editor of BYOU “Be Your Own You” Magazine for girls ages 8-14 and best-selling author of the award-winning book, Beauty’s Secret: A Girl’s Discovery of Inner Beauty, Heartlight Girls Series Book One. She speaks as a national expert on self-esteem, anti-bullying, inner beauty, empowerment, and positive parenting. For more information about ordering a BYOU Magazine subscription for your daughter or her school, Debra’s book, or bringing her to speak at your next event, please visit www.BYOUmagazine.com.

(Photo credit: Cindy Quick)